February 2020

24 It seems, more and more, that life has a way of centering your priorities for you. Feeling a lot today. I’m really proud of my WFR. I worked hard. I did it. And, I learned a lot in the process. I just wish I could help my mom, my family, everyone right now. We’re all fighting our fight I guess.

I need some fresh air. I need to slow down for a minute. I cannot wait to be in Beaver Creek. Just need to figure out a few things first.

19 To clarify, I haven’t been indefinitely sad since the tenth. There have been some good days, I got a job offer, and am learning a lot in the WFR course, but right now I am feeling pretty sad. It’s hard to focus much, I don’t feel the fire, rhythm, or excitement that keep me rolling through the big days. If I didn’t have class today, I’d probably just lie around all day :/

Sad is the wrong word. I’m in pain.

10 I’m pretty sad right now.

9 This will be an uphill battle, possibly forever.

I need to go on more bike rides.

1 Community. I used to know what that word meant.. :(. Missing my friends.

January 2020

29 I guess I said it before, but I’ve been having a tough time getting out of bed these days. I end up staying up late, waking up late, and just laying around for a few hours. For the next few days, I’m gonna turn off my screens earlier, and maybe read for 30 min. Also, I want to jump out of bed in the mornings. What the fuck happened to that? Time to stop using the infinite apps, at least for now. Mail and NYTimes, that’s it. I’m tired of this feeling slow crap.

Wow I just don’t care about anything right now. Not in a depressed sense more just nothing matters. What the fuck is all this stuff we need and stress we have. I’m pretty upset by the thought of where we are heading as a society. Emily nailed it: Health, Family, Sun, Snow, Smiles, shit like that. That’s what matters. “It’s only money” feels really fitting right now, and makes the most sense it ever has.

27 Getting out of bed was a little tough this morning, nothing feels pressing and so I had little motivation to get moving. Feeling a lot like myself right now which is great. Chatting with people, dynamic, excited, feeling good.

26 Things are pretty good. I have a lot to be grateful for. It was right around this time last year, I had a conversation with Katie about taking time to appreciate the days you are happy, to remind yourself that things are good. Yeah, I think it’s time to flip the script, or at least pause from time to time and journal about the good, not just what is stressing me out this week.

24 I talked to Jack and Zack today! Fuck yeah.

22 Damn. Did not get TEAGUE. I don’t apply to many things, not unless I’m interested and really think I would be a good fit. Thinking about not backing down on this one, I feel like if they gave me a week they would see my value. Curious to hear why they didn’t want to move forward.

Back on the horse I guess.

10 Good News. My schedule is settled in place now and I’m feeling good about it. I think. Also, Mac Miller just released a song and it’s really hitting me. That whole community is really hitting me right now. A lot of people loved him and really needed him. I hope Circles gives them the closure, love and support to continue forth. There’s a lot of stories out in the world that are so deeply moving, full of hardship and resilience. I just hope one day I can help even one of them. Or tell their stories. No one should feel so alone.

8 Added Yolk to my website finally. It feels good to push code again. Still have to do a bit more work but this is a good start. Need to focus on Bonderman now…

4 Happy 2020 I guess. Maybe one of these days I’ll find time to reflect on last year. Right after I fold my three day dry laundry.

It’s been a fan-fucking-tastic 4 days. I feel like slamming my head against a wall. I already did to my desk. This is not the year, these are just the days. Just as I find momentum and energy, someone rips it out from under me. I’m lost. Fuck this. Fuck not feeling motivated or excited.

I heard three gunshots last night. Welcome back to UDistrict I guess. What happened to the college vigor, the youthful, creative energy. I’m pretty sick of this shit and school hasn’t even started. I’m angry.