December 2020
31 Some years are more reflective than others I guess. Maybe I’m just putting it off, I don’t know. It’s been quite the year. I think there was some good in Jan/Feb, honestly at this point it’s hard to remember. I wish I knew what I needed to say about this year, for now all I have is this cycling thought about time. “This past year I got so much older”, really these past few months.
Yeah it’s been a fucking lot. I’m tired, and hungry right now, but I want to just spend a moment holding on to the life and family and love that is around me. It’s been hard, there are days I don’t know how to do anything, how to continue forth, but at some point I’m ok again.
I don’t know where I’m going with this one, but I just need to remember to hold on tightly to what I have, be present, take care of myself, and, also, lower your expectations—it’s amazing how happy you can be when you don’t leave room to be let down. I don’t think that’s a sad sentiment, although it does sound kinda sad. I just really have been expecting a lot of myself these days and end up crushed by a bar I set too far out of reach. So, I don’t have any hard goals for next year, just to keep journalling, hold love tightly, expect less, and try to keep creating.
It’s been a fucking year. But I’m really proud of everyone around me, making it through in their own style, many with grace and humility. To you (my friends and family and everyone), thank you, because you have been an inspiration to me and a glimpse of light when I am so often lost in the dark.
See ya tomorrow.
28 I feel like I escaped death today. Which is weird, because technically speaking we were really not in much danger. But sitting in the snow, trying to get up, and trying to find my ski pole basket, right below something that felt steep, that felt like potential avalanche terrain, was all it took. I was humbled today. I need a minute, away from risk and mountains. To just sit and be still. What joy does backcountry skiing bring that I don’t have in my every day life? Is this a risk I want to take? I’m really not sure yet, right now I’m just scared.
Looking forward to taking the AAIRE 1 course. It’s time to learn where its safe to fall and where it isn’t. I have no business messing about yet. Fuck.
2 Wow. I guess here we are.
I was around the web recently and this dr. sues quote popped up.
how did it get so late so soon? my goodness how time has flewn. how did it get so late so soon.
I can’t stop thinking about it, late indeed.
November 2020
24 To say the days leading up to Thursday have been hard would be a significant understatement. They have been filled with the most excruciating pain. A silent, slow, dull blade that, for some hours, makes even breathing feel like a chore. It’s not that I don’t want to live, it’s just that can barely fathom existing in a world without him.
My heart goes out to everyone that has an empty seat at the table this year. I am so sorry for your loss.
14 I was listening to Ford earlier, thinking about the films I’ve made these past few years. I really miss filmmaking. And editing together meaning. That moment when you find the rhythm and start to discover what you want to say, where you want to take the piece next, its tangible. I’ve never been able to make sense of the intangible before. But film has given me a chance to organize and shape those thoughts. Words have an immense power as well.
I’ve been thinking about it for a while, what I want to make next. I’m not sure entirely. I mean, I have a few ideas but I’m not sure yet. What I do know is how much I miss telling a story. How powerful it was to say something without words. Film is a medium most connected to my soul. Imagery and sound, a dash of music, and you get right to the core of my heart. — And the core of my heart is yearning to be heard… I really just don’t know. I’m scared. Really scared. Where do I even start. So instead, I find myself scrolling for hours in the morning, hours in the evening, just to avoid anything else.
October 2020
19 First day of work today. Just finished. I’m excited but damn I forgot about the whole Outlook and Confluence and Sharepoint and giant org jumbo that comes with these big corps. It’ll be good. ONCE I find the groove :).
This morning was tough though. And I’d really like to call my dad and tell him how the day went. Em just went for a run. I’m gonna join her tomorrow, it’s time to start moving again.
Reading journal entries from last year now. Whoa. I’m envious of the kid writing those. I dunno. I just wish I could go back. Every day I wish I could go back.
6 Plane rides have always felt like bookends to me. My first trip to Seattle for school, the end of a year as I head back for winter break, the trip home at the end of school. Even my trip to Florida freshman year to say goodbye to my Papu. Between watching a movie or reading a book, I often find time on the flight to sit and reflect a bit as I partake in these milestones of life. Some smaller than others, but the plane gives me a chance to just slow down and sit in it.
And so, here I am, at another bookend of my life.. I guess. “The beginning of a new chapter.” I’m not sure how I feel about this one. I’m not sure that I’m scared. I’m not worried about being ‘ready’, or anything of that sort. I just feel paralyzed in a sense. Frozen holding on to days of the past. Yes part of me is eager to move to Tahoe, ecstatic to live in a new place, discover the Sierras with my partner, and start a job, learning and take on new adventures of every sort. But, another part of me is still. Frozen, gripping tightly on days of the past, wishing I could sit forever in those warm days of June—right after I graduated. Oh to just go on a bike ride with my Dad around the block, Emily scootering along, or sit in the backyard listening to music and chatting about our days.
So yeah, you could say these past few months, what many describe as the last summer, a hurrah of no responsibility, the odd pause between school and the beginning of your career, your life—whatever you want to call it—were a bit more than that to me. Honestly, these past few months felt like an entire chapter of its own. These past few weeks even, an entire book. It just—it’s a lot. And, yeah I am ready I think, to pick up something new, to join a new team, find my rhythm and moves again… I just wish my dad was here to see it all, that I could tell him all about it.
“Just how proud of you I am.” I just want to give him a hug, a big big hug again. I love you Dad.
2 Trying to talk to credit score companies is one of the most frustrating things, ever. These companies should literally be illegal. They have far too much control over the average person’s life and are completely inaccessible. I have called 4 different phone numbers, all have only been robots, and me frustratingly working to navigate phone menus. Phone menus should also be regulated and or completely removed. It’s been 30 min and I am still pushing buttons. How is this allowed. How is this fair or just for anyone trying to navigate their financial life.
One of the hardest things has been trying to help my mom navigate various things, and the painful reminder that the guy with all the passwords and working knowledge isn’t around to help.
1
how i long to feel peace, but my heart is aching to explode
i just want to find a sense of calm but every beat hurts.
yearns with pain
it all turns to rage,
it all just ends in rage.
and with no outlet—to climb or run or bike
—i just sit.
September 2020
29 Yesterday was heavy. Yesterday was heavy… A day full of meaning and prayers, as Yom Kippur is, but this one was especially so. And I think I’ve come back in touch with myself a little. My soul at least. Or maybe it was the dream I had this morning. But the overwhelming feeling is back. I’m worried I’m not doing enough for my freelance work and want to get more done, but also need to focus on working through everything for my mom.
The dream I had was pretty random, but my dad was there, he was taking an important phone call, in the room I was actually sleeping in in real life. and when I woke up I just laid for a while. Feeling very heavy. I’m worried I’m trying to be tough too much. that I’m not letting myself sink into it, sink into the emotions.
Ok. Anyway, I have to run to go say hi to someone and go to the dentist, but fuck my heart hurts and I logged on to Delta today and just felt so terrible. I don’t want to leave. But I must? <3
21 I think this is what mild anxiety feels like? But pouring out of my heart. I just— Every movement in my body feels tense, slow, uncertain scared. I just feel heavy and scared. Overwhelmed is what it is, but there’s more to it. A slow, creeping depression like none I’ve ever felt before.
Music feels like the only bandage holding all of my organs from pouring out on the pavement, sometimes. TV, Video Games, etc, the only morphine distraction, but without moderation I end up with a headache and feeling crappy afterward anyway.
I hope Daryl is right. I hope Tahoe is full of healing. It’s gonna be hard to get on this plane man.
Overwhelmed is quite the understatement.
I want to go far into the outdoors, I want to slow down and think for a minute. I want to get away. But it feels so irresponsible to do that. It feels so cowardly and selfish to leave my family, because “it’s too much”.
I miss the systems and community school provided for me. Good days were when I would walk the halls, a sense of complete autonomy, and connect with people genuinely. My best were the days I really felt like myself, chatting, learning from others, and just feeling excited. People played a huge roll in that. Will work offer opportunities to have conversations beyond meetings? Are there open chat calls? I just want to feel like myself again.
18 “I hope this year is one of grace and healing. Be kind to yourself, really be kind to yourself.” - Daryl. “What ever you do you will thrive”. Such beautiful, meaningful words. Wow it really felt like a big hug.
She told me how much my dad used to text her about what I was up to, about the job I got or the scholarship I received, he would send her everything, “in these really long texts”.
There really isn’t going to be a day I don’t think about him huh?
17 Lunch with Rob meant so much. “Call me for anything.” He was 21 when he lost his dad.
14 It’s been a bit over a week now. And maybe twelve hours go by before I think about him, but rarely even that. Sometimes just a fleeting thought, other moments I feel completely leveled, my heart downs in ache, dull and slow, like a cold wind that goes right to your bones.
I don’t know what to do, I can tell you that much. All I know is that I need to go to Minyan and I need to write. The one day (Saturday) I woke up, and could not find the Minyan to say Mourners Kaddish, I almost fell apart. I ended up watching a recording of the morning’s live stream to fill the hole—it helped. I think I’ll do it every day. I intend to, I’ll say that much. For 11 months?? Yes. What if you want to go camping? I’ll pray with the wind if I have to, then I know he’ll be there with me. Don’t worry, there is little that can stop me when I intend to do something. I’ll find a way.
Oh man, I really miss my dad.
Today Emily and I went sailing with Mr. Routman, it was really fun. Yeah it was really nice to go and sail. The morning was a little rough, and I got a bit queasy—it’s a really big lake, the waves were just throwing us all over the place. But the afternoon was a really fun time, and he taught us a lot. It was nice to hangout with my dad’s friend, to chat about Dad, about what work is going to be, and just everything.
But there’s one moment I really want to write down and never forget. It was a seemingly simple conversation about fixing the backyard lights at my house. They’ve been flickering all summer and Dad mentioned when Emily and I got to town that maybe we could fix them. He gave me a tip about what he thought was wrong but I haven’t been able to figure it out. I explained to Eric how little moments like that are hard to figure out, he has all this working knowledge about the world and the way he did things, and here I come trying to pick it up from where he left off but with no background, only a faint idea of where a file on his computer might be, or what types of bulbs are in the outdoor lights.
Eric said that it’s not about fixing the lights the way my dad would have, it’s about fixing the lights. That I would learn as I went, and I would fix it my way and build my own working knowledge, and then I could go to my mom and say, “Ok, well here’s what I did to get them to work. Here’s how I was able to fix it.”. Sometimes, it’s not about trying to figure out what he did or would’ve done. That I need to learn and figure it out, and that I’ll build a working knowledge. – That conversation was much bigger than some backyard lights. It was really meaningful.
I don’t know, maybe I’m crazy, but I felt closer to my dad in that moment. Through his friend, I felt like he was watching out for me and I understood what he meant about “his advisers”, that I would know what to do, because he raised me, and that always have someone to go to, for some help or nudging in the right direction. I could feel it, I could feel him. But oh how I wish I could see, and hear, and hug him too.
1 I just want to talk to my dad. Forever.
July 2020
7 Whoa, a trip down memory lane, thank you for that. Many beautiful words, full thoughts, and names from the old times. HH and teendev and that whole world really opened my eyes to some amazing people and just inspired me from a young age to dream big. I don’t know. I wish I could put it into stronger words, maybe one day… I think I’m still realizing in a lot of ways how it impacted me, shaped me.
Honestly, I haven’t reflected on much this year, as you can probably tell by reading through the journal. I haven’t really had time—or at least that’s what I’ve been telling myself. I’m still waiting to relax and slow down. Today feels like a small taste of that though. I guess I found some space to do it, and what’s more its nice to know that I still can. For a while there, I thought I lost my ability to turn inward and listen. I have a feeling it might be a muscle. Thank you fisher for helping exercise it again.
Wanted to save some of my favorite lines from the piece:
first time out west. i remember hoping the pacific was as blue as i thought it was in my dreams.
maybe it was dancing to anderson paak and kaytranada in a sea of moving Black bodies. or having my soul exfoliated by solange. or raging to princess nokia. or melting like chocolate to sound waves emanating from jorja smith. or maybe it was that i was at afropunk with some other Black kids in tech that i met over the internet. i realized that i was grateful to able to revive myself in spaces of Blackness when the industry i so wanted to be part of wouldn’t really allow me to show that Blackness. to put that Blackness on full display. to find more of people like me.
a beautiful painting of words. i learned a lot from this paragraph
i love past fisher for that. i’m doing my best to make that 16 year old kid proud.
i know this exact feeling, i keep waiting for one of those letters from hs, where you have to write your future self, to show up on my doorstep—honestly a little scared to let my (past) self down
Believe in yourself and the rest will fall into place. Ain’t that the truth. i went to japan in ‘19 and walked around kyoto for a bit. i visited a silk factory and as i was walking to a temple, i saw some words painted on the side of a building. they said “the goal isn’t to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.”
this. <3
June 2020
10 It is my job to educate myself on these issues, to learn.
5 The grad students are smart. Really thoughtful, deep trust in the process, really cool stuff.
May 2020
27 I don’t do well with stress. I’ve never loved hackathons, they are always way too tense for me. The deadlines, the 24hrs of no sleep, they exhausting and have always put me in a weird, unhealthy competitive headspace. I don’t do well with tight competition working towards projects. And this one is no different. I’m starting to burn out. Hard. It’s time to walk away for a bit. Slow down. Break the timeline.
This project does not need to go live in two weeks. I just need to present my thoughts and ideas. Pull together the key components and save the rest for later. So I can just sit down and relax, and build this for fun, not out of stress.
Happy birthday Jacob. Wishing you the best year yet. One day at a time bud..
19 “Mental toughness is more important than anything else” — Dad. Close, but I have a slight addendum. Mental toughness will get you pretty far, but you’re not invincible, you can’t hold it all in.
15 A note/speech for the UW SoA Grad Site:
Who would’ve thought I would miss those late nights at the art building so much. All sixty of us, in the corner of the second floor. I met some of the most amazing people at UW and many of them right in those classrooms, becoming closer friends year after year. It’s sad to think that we may not get to open The Jake together come June, that we won’t walk across a stage together the next day, our professors all there to meet our families and join in on the celebration… But maybe these moments will be cherished even deeper, held on to even tighter. I wish I got to say this in person, but thank you. Thank you to my classmates for everything, from extra snacks to hours of support and conversation, to the faculty and staff, and most of all my friends and family. Today is a day of celebration but it was not always an easy road. Over the past 4 years, stress, doubt, and uncertainty all showed their true colors, many days I didn’t know where to start or if I would ever overcome it, but my friends and family were there for me. They helped me through challenges big and small, and I’ll never forget that.
Congratulations to the Class of 2020, and to the design kids: we may not be celebrating together right now, but that just means we’ll have to save a few festivities for our next retreat :).
12 Why do I keep taking on more work. Why do I keep saying I can help others. I need others to help me. I need to do my work. I need to do the work I needed to two days ago, I need to stop doing other peoples work. I’m disappointed in myself.
Here’s the thing. I want to be in it all. I want to be doing it all. How to I pick or how do I balance it? Current approach: one day at a time.
3 I want to read more. In my personal life and in my professional career. When I do start working, I want to block out part of my day or week to read and learn more about a topic. Research papers on design, on thinking, anyone and anything—I just want to learn.
And in my personal life, I just need to pick up more books. People suggest a lot of books, maybe I should embrace Bill Gates’s, was it his rule?, to never quit a book, or maybe a less intimidating one for me is to just try to read at least 50 pages. Something like that could help me keep a active reading list more consistently.
2 Today was really good. I took it slow, talked to some friends, relaxed, read my book!!, and got some good work done. I think starting with just spending an hour on labeling, something easy and approachable, was really helpful. Then just trying to stay focused the rest of the time and chip away. No expectations on how much I ought to get done. I said it to Luke: “I feel behind all week because I never get any work done, but when I just relax and even do a little work during the weekend it feels great.”
April 2020
23 Yesterday was really tough. I had no motivation to get out of bed, no energy to do anything. Emily helped me get things rolling for mood classifiers which I’m excited about. Just talked to Matt V. that was awesome and really validating, the excitement I needed, time to get after this thing some more.
10 Today has been a rough one. I feel so alone, in the most complex way. I’m not in a good place.
5 Got my feet beneath me again, and might even have time to get outside today! I sure hope so, I need to spend more time outside. Been pretty hard to stay sane and not exercise. I find myself procrastinating and then I don’t get enough done and can’t go outside and the cycle repeats.
4 I feel behind and we’re just starting. Fuck this. I just want to be numb.
1 I crave art, in all of its pain and agony, beauty and articulation, like a shawl full of heart and revelation.
Things I’ve thought or said in the past days:
- Community and humility, that’s what the world needs right now.
- I’m missing the texture of life and humanity of it all.
- I’m scared.
March 2020
30 You’d think I would be on here more with all this time and everything going on… Well I guess not, or at least not yet. Sitting “in class” right now. This is making me even sadder honestly. This is not how school is, nor is this the final quarter I want. It sucks. I can’t learn like this. At least not yet…
2 hours in to this zoom call for my final class of my college career and I’ve only gotten more upset. **This is not a quality education. **
9 When you’re stressed or feeling trapped, movement is not necessarily the answer. Sit. Be still. Perhaps that is what you truly need.
February 2020
24 It seems, more and more, that life has a way of centering your priorities for you. Feeling a lot today. I’m really proud of my WFR. I worked hard. I did it. And, I learned a lot in the process. I just wish I could help my mom, my family, everyone right now. We’re all fighting our fight I guess.
I need some fresh air. I need to slow down for a minute. I cannot wait to be in Beaver Creek. Just need to figure out a few things first…
19 To clarify, I haven’t been indefinitely sad since the tenth. There have been some good days, I got a job offer, and am learning a lot in the WFR course, but right now I am feeling pretty sad. It’s hard to focus much, I don’t feel the fire, rhythm, or excitement that keep me rolling through the big days. If I didn’t have class today, I’d probably just lie around all day :/
Sad is the wrong word. I’m in pain.
10 I’m pretty sad right now.
9 This will be an uphill battle, possibly forever.
I need to go on more bike rides.
1 Community. I used to know what that word meant.. :(. Missing my friends.
January 2020
29 I guess I said it before, but I’ve been having a tough time getting out of bed these days. I end up staying up late, waking up late, and just laying around for a few hours. For the next few days, I’m gonna turn off my screens earlier, and maybe read for 30 min. Also, I want to jump out of bed in the mornings. What the fuck happened to that? Time to stop using the infinite apps, at least for now. Mail and NYTimes, that’s it. I’m tired of this feeling slow crap.
Wow I just don’t care about anything right now. Not in a depressed sense more just nothing matters. What the fuck is all this stuff we need and stress we have. I’m pretty upset by the thought of where we are heading as a society. Emily nailed it: Health, Family, Sun, Snow, Smiles, shit like that. That’s what matters. “It’s only money” feels really fitting right now, and makes the most sense it ever has.
27 Getting out of bed was a little tough this morning, nothing feels pressing and so I had little motivation to get moving. Feeling a lot like myself right now which is great. Chatting with people, dynamic, excited, feeling good.
26 Things are pretty good. I have a lot to be grateful for. It was right around this time last year, I had a conversation with Katie about taking time to appreciate the days you are happy, to remind yourself that things are good. Yeah, I think it’s time to flip the script, or at least pause from time to time and journal about the good, not just what is stressing me out this week.
24 I talked to Jack and Zack today! Fuck yeah.
22 Damn. Did not get TEAGUE. I don’t apply to many things, not unless I’m interested and really think I would be a good fit. Thinking about not backing down on this one, I feel like if they gave me a week they would see my value. Curious to hear why they didn’t want to move forward.
Back on the horse I guess.
10 Good News. My schedule is settled in place now and I’m feeling good about it. I think. Also, Mac Miller just released a song and it’s really hitting me. That whole community is really hitting me right now. A lot of people loved him and really needed him. I hope Circles gives them the closure, love and support to continue forth. There’s a lot of stories out in the world that are so deeply moving, full of hardship and resilience. I just hope one day I can help even one of them. Or tell their stories. No one should feel so alone.
8 Added Yolk to my website finally. It feels good to push code again. Still have to do a bit more work but this is a good start. Need to focus on Bonderman now…
4 Happy 2020 I guess. Maybe one of these days I’ll find time to reflect on last year. Right after I fold my three day dry laundry.
It’s been a fan-fucking-tastic 4 days. I feel like slamming my head against a wall. I already did to my desk. This is not the year, these are just the days. Just as I find momentum and energy, someone rips it out from under me. I’m lost. Fuck this. Fuck not feeling motivated or excited.
I heard three gunshots last night. Welcome back to UDistrict I guess. What happened to the college vigor, the youthful, creative energy. I’m pretty sick of this shit and school hasn’t even started. I’m angry.