March 2021

17 Trying to be there for friends going through almost a similar situation to mine. This is heavy. It feels like I’m reliving my own trauma from September. Fuck.

12 Today just feels heavy. Found this quote? poem? Not what I’m feeling right now, but I know those times one well.

*The thing is, you don’t want to sleep, but you don’t want to be awake. You don’t want to eat, but you don’t want to be hungry. You don’t want to be around people, but you don’t want to be alone. You don’t want to do anything, but you don’t want to do nothing. What you really want to do is stop existing, but you can’t do that without dying, and you don’t really want to do that either. *{: .quote}

9 “They haven’t even graduated yet?” Damn. There are some people that are so well digitally curated and presented that they seem larger than life, better than the rest, you know those vibes. It’s usually a twitter with a bunch of “previously @x” and 5k followers, everyone responds to them and their website is written in the third person but has nothing on it. I’m just trying to paint a picture, but those are just the latest version of the same sense of not feeling like “enough”. I fall into this loop, whether its instagram, facebook, filmmaking, outdoor activities, or now designers on twitter, I sit around not feeling like enough.

Curation and acting perfect—”the cool kids”—it’s one of my least favorite things. It just leaves everyone feeling like shit. I don’t even think the people trying to keep up this act feel good. It seems exhausting… I always forget about this part of the creative and “I make stuff world”, that is, the constant sourcing of validation and constant doubts when someone else does it bigger, better, etc.

Just keep making for you Jacob, don’t do it for anyone else. Just focus on you. Do it because it’s fun. Because it’s how you express yourself. If other people relate to it, cherish those moments, but don’t do it for the fucking clout. You’ll just end up feeling more empty.

Thinking about you dad. What kind of music would you be listening to? Find any new bands lately? Love you.

8 Tension. Everything interesting needs some sort of tension, a movie scene, an image, a compelling idea. Figure out what aspect of tension you can bring in, and things may get a bit more complex, and a bit more interesting.

5 It’s not even tired, I just feel completely crushed. Tired and sad and heavy. Sometimes the days seem fine and then all of the sudden it call crashes into me. Does Adrianne Lenker have something to do with it… probably, but so does the reality of the world. I’ve always been aware and somewhat sensitive, but these days I feel things so much more. What’s odd is above all else, my personal email is the most overwhelming thing of it all. Looking at it recently has only ever been newsletters or being let down.

Maybe a walk will help, but a cry might be more what I need. Agh.

3 Not actually sure what I want to write about yet… just that I want to write. I wish I had more stimulating conversations in my day to day at work, certainly there is some blame to be put on the remote work model, but meetings and even slack conversations on the freelance project I’m working on are full of learnings or interesting opinions.

Maybe it’s because the team is new? Or that there isn’t much space to have these conversations.. but its definitely part of the reason I feel out of place.

Wow, talking to people I’ve learned so much from and looked up to is often such a refreshing and rewarding experience. Similar in a way to talking with people who knew me “when I was this tall”, they’ve seen me grow, and then I realize how much I’ve grown and learned, often partially because of their interactions, teachings, etc.

1 And here we are, typing away at work :). I think this may just work.

Whoa. Jacob (not me) is leaving the CoLab. Wow. Just a lot of feelings about time hitting me right now. I only spent a week there but I learned so much and met some amazing people, Jacob being one of them. I just wish I felt that same spark in my day to day. It’s still rare.

I had a thought the other day, about focusing my work to push the envelope. I should write that out a bit more. I will, in time, but ah, it feels good to write a little bit again.

…I know this came out in 1999, but MF DOOM will forever be killing the game.

February 2021

28 And we’re back. Just in the nick of time :D. Spent the day messing around with jelias.me/journal/, now there is an index of all the years. I’d like to mess around with a fixed scrolling position for the year, maybe on hover it shows 3 or 4 of the past years.

Also, might be time to rewrite the code for links on headers. They should all underline nicely like /media writing and /journal/. We’ll see.

It’s fun to be coding a bit again. Problem solving, full of documentation and forums of people. Now to figure out an ideal workflow for journaling / editing this .md file from my work computer…

Ok thinking about it for a while, I think I have an idea: I include cp -c syncing.md for-git.md in my automator workflow for updating the journal. This allows me to just trigger the sync before pushing live so I don’t need it to run all the time in the background, just when I trigger it.

Ok so I think I’ve managed to get it to work. Shout out to git stash, still not entirely sure though… Did it?

Looks like it’s working! I’ll test out the other side, journaling from my work computer, tomorrow.

January 2021

14 Jamie Raskin Lost His Son. Then He Fled a Mob.

“My wife captured it perfectly: She said that there is so much pain and so much love, and it’s all mixed together,” he said. “But every day we’re able to disentangle them more, so that we can experience the love more purely and the pain more purely, and it doesn’t hurt to love him.”